WARNING: If you are a parent, you may not want to read this, which means now you want to. Oh you really really want to, don't you...
There are some things that no movie experience, whether it’s a classic re-screening of an Orson Welles film that these days have to be viewed on Imax or a Rob Schneider movie being used to obtain terrorist cell information from an enemy combatant, should do without.
Thank Buddha because the summer movie season is finally here! That means it’s time for big budget movies with huge explosions, large naked breasts, rap stars sipping root beer in skull mugs. Plus all the stars are coming out of the woodwork to appear in these blockbusters meaning all of these huge, explosive and larger than life films are guaranteed to be Grade A, number one…all right, let’s cut the PR cue card talk already. If you want mindless, happy fluff about movies no one has seen, go read Variety or Ain’t It Cool News.
All addicts have their favorite hook-ups. Every alcoholic goes to their favorite bar to get drunk because everyone behind the counter knows their favorite pour before they even open their mouth. Every junkie goes to the favorite dealer to get high because they know they aren’t a cop. Every john goes to their favorite prostitute because they remind them of their mother.
Whether you thought Charlton Heston was a God-fearing man who could actually make God fear him or another crazed gun nut who would shoot his mouth off faster than a bullet-spewing MP5, you have to admit he was a man worth admiring. Even if his opinions made you wish he’d croak just so you could pull his gun from cold dirty stinking paws, the damn dirty ape.
Something like this only happens once every two or three lifetimes. It’s the kind of moment that should be reserved for people who find the cure to some horrible disease or prevent an entire African village from starving. People who have so much karma in their spirit accounts, someone in Congress is trying to think of a way to tax them for it.
Most God fearing people think of envy as a deadly sin, a mortal blotch on your soul for St. Peter to see on your resume when you’re trying to get that sweet champagne supermodel pool boy gig in Heaven. Not me.
Indiana Jones is without a doubt the greatest movie character franchise in history. Fans of other franchises may argue differently to keep their existence in check and their reason for living on life support, but deep down they know it to be true.
There’s something missing from today’s movie multiplexes other than quality films, sticky theater floors that don’t feel like the killing floor of a slaughterhouse and money in your wallet after you leave.
There will come a time when our civilization will fall, crumble and turn into nothing but dust and fossilized remains for some future civilization to uncover and put in museums to help their people understand how far they’ve come as a species.
