For years, people have called me dumb, a dunderhead, a chowderhead, a lame brain, a soup bowl for a skull. I'm still scratching my head over that last one. Now I, the cast of "Jersey Shore" and every former Dallas Cowboy with a criminal record have proven that being dumb has it's advantages. Yours truly has joined the ranks of playwright and blogger John DeVore has a regular contributor to TruTV's "Dumb as a Blog," the most popular comedy blog devoted everything to the universe that is dumb. I finally belong.
You can read my posts daily on the dumbest videos of the week along with the occasional feature about my odd trips to some of the dumbest places in the universe. And no, I'm not moving back to Paris, Texas.
LINK: www.dumbasablog.com
I've done a lot of crazy things in my time. I've ridden the DART train without the benefit and comfort of my pants. I've driven a souped-up Corvette Z28 at Texas Motor Speedway (I swear that story is coming soon). I've voluntarily drank a shot glass of Tabasco. I never thought that "shaping minds" would be added to that list, especially since mine is in the shape of a roadkill raccoon, as evidenced by the above.
I'll be flying to fabulous Dayton, Ohio for the Erma Bombeck Writers' Convention where I'll be one of a dozen very talented speakers including such notables as "Stuff White People Like" creator Christian Lander, author Tracy Beckerman, "Late Show with David Letterman" writer and author Bill Scheft, author W. Bruce Cameron, publishing expert Sophfronia Scott and USA Today columnist Craig Wilson.
LINK: http://humorwriters.org/
Oh and thanks to Chris White, the creator of the legendary comedy site TopFive.com, for cooking up with "I'm with Bobo" image. I wish I had thought of it earlier. I could have bought and sold the world ten times over on the T-shirt sales alone.
If you had...
one shot...
and one opportunity...
to seize everything you ever wanted...
Would you capture it or just totally wussy and go back to your comfortable life of using bean bag chairs as living room furniture and mooching off your neighbor's cable?
If you wouldn't, check out some of these larger pair carriers on my list of the "Eight Ballsiest Bets that Paid Off Big" for Spike.com.
LINK: http://www.spike.com/blog/8-of-ballsiest-bets/93745
And why am I voluntarily putting a picture of Boy George on my webpage? Am I suffering from some kind of neurological disorder that only House can diagnose? Will my insurance cover it?
He's just one of the "10 Funniest Celebrity Near-Deaths" on my other Spike.com list.
LINK: http://www.spike.com/blog/10-funniest/94021
Anyone who knows me (you have my deepest sympathies) knows I'm not only a New Orleans native but also a lifelong frustrated New Orleans Saints fan. I have endured mediocrity and low expectations for athletic excellence (both in the Saints and in myself, who knew "Street Fighter II" wouldn't count towards a Phys. Ed. credit?) my entire life. But this Sunday, all of that changes. My beloved Saints are going to the big show for the first time in 43 years and I'm not only going to be rooting for my hometown boys with all of my being, but I'm going to ride this gravy train until I strike mashed potato.
Join me and fellow Asylum and NPR contributor Renny MacKay at Asylum.com for a live Tweet of Super Bowl XLIV during the showdown between my Saints and Renny's Indianapolis Colts.
JOIN THE LIVE TWEET HERE: http://www.asylum.com/2010/02/07/super-bowl-twitter-saints-colts-manning-brees-asylum/
I get paid to equate sexbots and Michael Bay movies for a living (answer: they both will screw you financially and physically). I love my life. Spike has run two more of my comedy lists back to back starting with the "10 Top Historical Movies that Are Total BS" that pokes holes in big budget history epics like "Braveheart," "A Beautiful Mind" and "Pocahontas." Then we finish up with the "50 Disadvantages to Owning a Sexbot" and without the aid of a towel.
LINK: 10 Historical Movies that Are Total BS
LINK: 50 Downsides to Owning a Sexbot
Admit it, your favorite NFL team sucks. You don't watch the Super Bowl to root for your team or marvel at the awesome execution of the reverse fallback offense. You're there for the commercials...and the free booze, but also the commercials. And while recent FCC hypocrisies have made it harder to use the awesome power of sex to sell crap, the Super Bowl ads have walked a fine line between barring boobies for bucks and facing FCC fines. I've chronicle the most and least sexy of Madison Avenue for TVSquad.com. WARNING: Beware the Mickey Rooney nude scene! I wish that was a joke.
LINK: http://www.tvsquad.com/2010/02/07/tv-squad-ten-most-least-sexy-super-bowl-ads-of-all-time/
So, how was your Sunday? Did you do some barbecuing? Maybe catch the end of the regular NFL season? Spend some time with the kids or if you don't have any, rent some for the weekend? That's nice. What did I do, you ask even though you know the answer to the question, which is stupid. Plus, why are you asking it to a computer? It's not like a computer can talk back to you. And why are you arguing with your computer? Do you really expect it to make a reasoned argument against the one you just made? Why am I continue to reason with you? This is like arguing with a brick wall, only less productive and philosophically enlightening.
I helped usher in National No Pants Day by taking a ride on the local Dallas light rail with around 100 other brave souls for the first time in the city's history in an essay for Asylum.com.
LINK: http://www.asylum.com/2010/01/11/dallas-no-pants-dart-ride-for-no-pants-subway-day/
Do you fear the government? Do you spend every waking moment of the day thinking about the ways your leaders have sold out your interests so much that you're reduced to uncontrollable girlish tears? Is your name Glenn Beck?
Have no fear. The times may be changing, but there are always bigger pricks than just people who work for the government. Like...for instance, the government pricks on the big screen. (Beyond that, I got nothing.)
That's why I compiled a hilarious list of the 10 Biggest Government Pricks in Cinema History for Spike.com. That and they paid me.
LINK: http://www.spike.com/blog/top-10-biggest/88244
Who says the only way to get a case of the creeps from your living room television is by tuning into old Twilight Zone episodes or staring directly into Nancy Grace's shrill Medusa-like face? Some of the most spine-twisting and stomach-churning moments don't happen on your favorite TV shows. They happen in between them.
LINK: http://www.spike.com/blog/top-10-creepiest/87748
Batman and Robin, Jabba the Hutt and that annoying ass thing that sits on his giant ass, George H.W. Bush and Dan Quayle: what do all these things have in common? They are all sucky sidekicks. The worst of the worst of the video game world get skewered like the screwheads that they are at Spike.com.
LINK: http://www.spike.com/blog/10-most-annoying/87284
